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by LaTonya R. Gaston, Ph.D.
Isn’t it amazing how the human brain functions and sends reminders and/or emotional responses in or around the anniversary of a death of a loved one or a major loss? The limbic system, housed in the hippocampus region of the brain is responsible for memory, emotions, alertness, and your ability to develop care and concern for others. This is the portion of the brain that recalls and responds to grief and loss. During this emotional and sensitive time, grief is at the center of your heart and the forefront of your brain. My friends, it is important to know that grief can affect your mind and your body. The reality is TRAUMA changes everything about you. It alters your thinking, behaviors, and sometimes the way you experience people or things.
A traumatic event is defined as something tragic that directly happens to you or to someone intricately connected to you, which can include grief and loss. Learning to live with a significant loss such as a divorce, employment, or the death of a loved one may be one of the most difficult challenges a person may face. According to the Grief Recovery Handbook, “We are far better prepared to deal with minor accidents than we are to deal with grief” (The Grief Recovery Handbook, 2009). Experiencing grief and loss are inevitable, and we all will encounter this natural occurrence at some point in our lives. It should be noted that there is no formal timeframe on how long a person should grieve so try not to compare your experience to another. My grief journey may not look like yours, however it is essential that you are being patient with the process.
Having been forced to cope with the unexpected death of my father last March, I found myself struggling with attempting to understand the grieving process. My mind developed a way of thinking that no matter how hard I tried to forget about the pain of the loss, it never went away. In my experience with grief, I have found that a person could take a hand full of glitter, toss it up in the air and it will fall in various places and no matter the cleaning process, there will always be bits and pieces that remain. You could be having a perfectly good day then suddenly you hear a song, see a picture, or are reminded of a memory of your loss, then tears begin to flow. In these times, it is important to process your feelings in a healthy manner.
Many times, grief can lead to periods of guilt, depression, and shock. Other emotional responses to grief may include and are not limited to, mood swings, insomnia, anxiety, and intermittent crying. The intensity of these symptoms may decrease, however be reminded that grief can be compared to glitter, so over time you may find little specks in unexpected places. Psychiatrist Elizabeth Kubler-Ross believes that humans face five stages following the loss of a loved one. The Five stages of Grief include: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance.
In the denial stage our mind attempts to pretend that the loss did not happen. Additionally, one may also conjure up conspiracy theories or false narratives to minimize the pain of the loss. When in the angry stage, our mind is trying to adapt to the change and anger may be the initial emotional response to feeling uncomfortable with the loss. The bargaining stage triggers feelings of helplessness which causes us to negotiate efforts to alleviate the pain of the loss. You may find yourself feeling inappropriate guilt or making statements like, “I wish I would have been more available to him/her or if I would have done this or that, he/she would still be living.”
Depression is a common response to loss and in this stage, you may be starting to “feel” the reality that your loved one is gone. Regret and emotional isolation may take place and the pain of the loss is unavoidable. Acceptance is when your grief plateaus and the mind no longer dismiss the truth of the loss, it really has finally set in. Whatever stage you may find yourself in, it is especially important to be honest with how you are feeling. Please know that IT IS OKAY NOT TO BE OKAY. Death hurts and grief is painful. Below are some ways to assist you on your journey to healing and wellness after experiencing loss:
- Talk to a grief therapist or someone who will allow you to be heard
- Be aware that you do not have to be strong, just be you
- Give yourself permission to feel and accept your feelings
- Identify your triggers and develop a safety plan
- Be kind and patient with yourself
- Avoid drugs and alcohol
- Take care of yourself (get adequate rest, maintain a healthy diet, engage in self-care practices)
- Celebrate and honor the loss by creating a memory collage or developing a charitable foundation
If you feel that you are struggling mentally and physically following the death of a loved one or major loss, please reach out for help. You do not have to encounter grief alone. I am a mental health advocate, and I am dedicated to assisting in any manner. I can be reached at (702) 439-9358 or [email protected].
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ABOUT THE AUTHOR: LaTonya R. Gaston, Ph.D. is the author of Journey to Wellness “Becoming a Better You”, which is a self-help guide and journal to assist you on the journey to healing and wellness. For additional information about this and other projects, please visit http://latonyagaston.com.